Casual sex.
The words themselves initiate immediate feelings from every person. Some instantly think slut. Some think oh fun! However you feel about it, casual sex is here to stay. It has to be noted that I do not consider myself slutty, whoreish, or any other term that means I sleep around. That is not the case. I don't. However, I am in the 30's and single and no matter how how I slice the pie (mmmmmm pie.....now I'm hungry. Ok, sorry, back on track.) I have needs. So my question is this: when do we become too old for sex without a relationship?
Most people go through their wild phase (which includes drinking, sex, parties) when they are in college or in their early 20's. It's no secret that I met my ex when I was 19 and was married at 23. I never had a wild phase. It's not that I regret my choices, because I wouldn't change them for anything, I just now find myself in a situation where I sometimes feel like I'm 20. I'm single, trying to date, going out to bars, and horny all the time. I mean, I should be like the women through the curtain at a circus "Pay to see the crazy horny woman! She is a rare breed and thinks about sex ALL THE TIME." I swear, I'm either a freak of nature or my "prime" is hitting me hard. It may be that I'm going through my prime sexual phase when for all intents and purposes I have no immediate access to the goods. You see, you always want what you can't have.
The problem for me is that I want it all the time. I also date, a lot. So I'm around attractive men but I'm not getting any action that makes my girly parts shiver. I meet people, go on dates, make them buy me dinner, and then usually within 3 dates it ends. Where does that get me????? I'll tell you. That gets me to Target to buy more batteries for B.O.B. (no, not a man named Bob---I wish---but my battery operated boyfriend). After a while not even batteries can work as my vibrator has broken. Over use. Awesome. So now, my choices are go to Ambiance and buy a new B.O.B., or find someone to sleep with. Consistently.
I have options on possible suitors but they each come with challenges. One, I really really want to be with for a long long time. He makes me smile in ways I forgot I could. I don't want to risk screwing anything up. But wow, do I want him. The other...well, I have mentioned being his oat. He is fun, handsome, sweet, charming, and wants nothing from me regarding a relationship. Am I wrong to want to sleep with him? Am I wrong that I have thought that until the guy I dream about all the time says he wants to be with me and only me it's ok that I get some nookie from somewhere else? Ugh. It's so hard (hehe, like a hard penis) to know what to do. See, I couldn't even get through that sentence without thinking about penis'! I have a problem!
I understand that sex is something that should be sacred and enjoyed with someone you love. But it should also be fun, and naughty, and exciting, and passionate, and beautiful, and glorious...why can't those things be shared with someone whose company you enjoy even though you know it will not go anywhere? Is 30-something too old to sleep with someone without a commitment when I know that deep down what I long for is a love to last a lifetime?
I have no moral or fun fact to spread this time as this was more of a "word vomit" session of me spewing my thoughts onto the internet. I'm not sure what I'll do, but until I figure it out looks like I better buy the 20 pack of batteries while I'm at Ambiance.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
"Hey, remember that one time.....at your wedding....."
Dating is hard. Double dating is damn near impossible. It only gets worse when you have friends like mine.
I would like to start by making it clear that I love my friends. I am very blessed to have the people in my life that I do. It's just that sometimes you want look at those you love, douse their socks in GHB, and stuff them in their mouth until they pass out and can't talk anymore. Yes, this may be a harsh punishment, but I am in my 30's and single.....I need to make sure my dates don't get told things I don't want them to hear!
The prime example of a situation where I wanted to drug my friends into quietness happened a few years ago. I had been dating MAB for about a month and decided that I wanted him to start to meet those who were important to me. I didn't want to overwhelm him with a large group of everyone all at once, so I figured a nice dinner with another couple would be a great start. I set up a dinner with my friend (I'll call her Beauty Bitch) and her husband (Soccer Boy). It was Beauty Bitch's birthday so I thought it would be a fun night.
It did not go as planned.
I feel like at this point I should give you a little back story. If you have read my postings before you know that I was married. While I have yet to discuss that time in my life in detail, I have mentioned it. Well, when I began dating MAB I was still married. Now, hold on before you get out the Scarlet A's and sew them to my skin. I had been separated for 2.5 years. Yes, looking back I should have been quicker about filing for divorce and making it legal, but I was afraid. I didn't want to be 25 and divorced. I let the perceived stigma scare me from making a move. I lived in a different city from my ex, so when someone asked to set me up with MAB I decided I was ready to see what was out there for me. As you know, I fell hard. Maybe it was because MAB was the first person I dated since the separation, or maybe it was because MAB really was that fantastic. I'm not sure. What I do know is I liked him. A LOT. So, when we started seeing each other I wasn't exactly sure how to handle the whole "Hey, remember when I'm actually married" thing. My choice was to ignore it. Again, looking back, maybe not the best choice, but it's what I did. I figured until we had the talk about being serious it was information that I didn't need to bring up. We hadn't been together that long and had no talk of being boyfriend/girlfriend (ugh, I hate those terms, I mean it makes me feel 12 years old). So, when it came time for my double date with MAB, Beauty Bitch and Soccer Boy I made sure to tell the latter two not to mention that I was married. I politely told them that I had not discussed this part of my life yet with MAB and I would appreciate it if they didn't bring it up. I mean really, why would we be talking about that anyway? I was sure nothing would come up, I just am over casous.
I went into dinner feeling excited and nervous. I really wanted MAB to like these two, and vise versa. It was important to me. We got to the restaurant and the night went downhill. Fast. First of all, I was paying. It was tradition that I take my friend and hubby out for their birthdays to the restaurant of their choice. We usually pick a nice place with average dinner prices. Apparently the only times we had been to this restaurant in the past had been with our parents. AKA: when we didn't care about prices. Now, I am not cheap; however, I was thrown off knowing I was going to be paying for four people after I looked at the menu. Not my friends fault, they apologized for picking a pricey place and it really didn't bother me. It was just a surprising start to a rough night. After a glass of wine or two and some friendly "getting to know you" bonding moments things loosened up. I guess they loosened up too much because Soccer Boy forgot the rules about not mentioning me already belonging to another man and he blurts out "Oh, it was like that one time at your wedding....." I froze. Did he really just say that??? Maybe no one heard it??? I quickly gave him a dirty look that was meant to say ummmmm hey dude, remember when this hottie doesn't know I was married??? REMEMBER THE RULES?!?!?!
Soccer Boy clearly didn't get it. Moments later he again said something pertaining to me being married. I was mortified. At one point when MAB got up to go to the bathroom I almost leapt down Soccer Boy's throat. I thought he was going to shit his pants.....the look on his face was priceless. I knew he felt awful, but the damage had been done. We gracefully went on with the evening only to have Beauty Bitch insist I try part of her dinner which lucky for me had an ingredient in it that I was allergic to. Yes folks, not only were my friends trying to embarrass me, they were trying to have me killed off from asphyxiation too! Awesome first double date. I spent the rest of the evening with MAB drinking liquid Benadryl.
As it turns out, MAB was clearly confused and didn't make the connection of what Soccer Boy had said. He found out about the whole "being married" thing a couple days later when I had recovered from my Benadyl haze and we were visiting at my sisters. She had a wedding picture up of me. Subtle. No hiding from that. We discussed it and he laughed it off and just told me I was going to be paying for that one for a long time. I took that as good news because that meant we had a long time together to make me pay for it =) See, always an up side!
There are multiple morals to this story: 1) Obviously be honest with your dates or your friends will be for you (on purpose or not). 2) If you have the balls to double date, kicking under the table is acceptable when your friends fuck up. 3) Don't take yourself so seriously, if someone doesn't want to date you because of something from your past then it's their loss. I'm awesome, baggage and all!
I would like to start by making it clear that I love my friends. I am very blessed to have the people in my life that I do. It's just that sometimes you want look at those you love, douse their socks in GHB, and stuff them in their mouth until they pass out and can't talk anymore. Yes, this may be a harsh punishment, but I am in my 30's and single.....I need to make sure my dates don't get told things I don't want them to hear!
The prime example of a situation where I wanted to drug my friends into quietness happened a few years ago. I had been dating MAB for about a month and decided that I wanted him to start to meet those who were important to me. I didn't want to overwhelm him with a large group of everyone all at once, so I figured a nice dinner with another couple would be a great start. I set up a dinner with my friend (I'll call her Beauty Bitch) and her husband (Soccer Boy). It was Beauty Bitch's birthday so I thought it would be a fun night.
It did not go as planned.
I feel like at this point I should give you a little back story. If you have read my postings before you know that I was married. While I have yet to discuss that time in my life in detail, I have mentioned it. Well, when I began dating MAB I was still married. Now, hold on before you get out the Scarlet A's and sew them to my skin. I had been separated for 2.5 years. Yes, looking back I should have been quicker about filing for divorce and making it legal, but I was afraid. I didn't want to be 25 and divorced. I let the perceived stigma scare me from making a move. I lived in a different city from my ex, so when someone asked to set me up with MAB I decided I was ready to see what was out there for me. As you know, I fell hard. Maybe it was because MAB was the first person I dated since the separation, or maybe it was because MAB really was that fantastic. I'm not sure. What I do know is I liked him. A LOT. So, when we started seeing each other I wasn't exactly sure how to handle the whole "Hey, remember when I'm actually married" thing. My choice was to ignore it. Again, looking back, maybe not the best choice, but it's what I did. I figured until we had the talk about being serious it was information that I didn't need to bring up. We hadn't been together that long and had no talk of being boyfriend/girlfriend (ugh, I hate those terms, I mean it makes me feel 12 years old). So, when it came time for my double date with MAB, Beauty Bitch and Soccer Boy I made sure to tell the latter two not to mention that I was married. I politely told them that I had not discussed this part of my life yet with MAB and I would appreciate it if they didn't bring it up. I mean really, why would we be talking about that anyway? I was sure nothing would come up, I just am over casous.
I went into dinner feeling excited and nervous. I really wanted MAB to like these two, and vise versa. It was important to me. We got to the restaurant and the night went downhill. Fast. First of all, I was paying. It was tradition that I take my friend and hubby out for their birthdays to the restaurant of their choice. We usually pick a nice place with average dinner prices. Apparently the only times we had been to this restaurant in the past had been with our parents. AKA: when we didn't care about prices. Now, I am not cheap; however, I was thrown off knowing I was going to be paying for four people after I looked at the menu. Not my friends fault, they apologized for picking a pricey place and it really didn't bother me. It was just a surprising start to a rough night. After a glass of wine or two and some friendly "getting to know you" bonding moments things loosened up. I guess they loosened up too much because Soccer Boy forgot the rules about not mentioning me already belonging to another man and he blurts out "Oh, it was like that one time at your wedding....." I froze. Did he really just say that??? Maybe no one heard it??? I quickly gave him a dirty look that was meant to say ummmmm hey dude, remember when this hottie doesn't know I was married??? REMEMBER THE RULES?!?!?!
Soccer Boy clearly didn't get it. Moments later he again said something pertaining to me being married. I was mortified. At one point when MAB got up to go to the bathroom I almost leapt down Soccer Boy's throat. I thought he was going to shit his pants.....the look on his face was priceless. I knew he felt awful, but the damage had been done. We gracefully went on with the evening only to have Beauty Bitch insist I try part of her dinner which lucky for me had an ingredient in it that I was allergic to. Yes folks, not only were my friends trying to embarrass me, they were trying to have me killed off from asphyxiation too! Awesome first double date. I spent the rest of the evening with MAB drinking liquid Benadryl.
As it turns out, MAB was clearly confused and didn't make the connection of what Soccer Boy had said. He found out about the whole "being married" thing a couple days later when I had recovered from my Benadyl haze and we were visiting at my sisters. She had a wedding picture up of me. Subtle. No hiding from that. We discussed it and he laughed it off and just told me I was going to be paying for that one for a long time. I took that as good news because that meant we had a long time together to make me pay for it =) See, always an up side!
There are multiple morals to this story: 1) Obviously be honest with your dates or your friends will be for you (on purpose or not). 2) If you have the balls to double date, kicking under the table is acceptable when your friends fuck up. 3) Don't take yourself so seriously, if someone doesn't want to date you because of something from your past then it's their loss. I'm awesome, baggage and all!
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
I don't want to be an oat.
I'm in my 30's. I'm dating. My dream is to settle down and come home to the same person every night and have crazy, wild, passionate sex. I will not deny that I am a sexual person, that would be like Angelina Jolie denying she is a little bit crazy (I mean she used to wear Billy Bob Thorton's blood around her neck! Creepy!) Anyway, that is what I want, therefore that is what I am searching for.
Now, the men I have been dating as of late are all a little bit older than me and divorced. I am not judging as I myself had a failed marriage. I just feel as though women and men think differently after a divorce. I wanted to be with someone, I wanted the comfort of holding someone. Before I had even signed papers I was involved with MAB. For the time, he gave me what I needed. Yes, I ended up getting my heart broke more than it had ever been, but I was ready for him and I gave in. I get the feeling from one of the men I have gone out with recently that he is not looking to be with someone but instead wanting to "sew some wild oats." He was married for what I consider a lengthy time and has some kids to show for it. I believe this man feels as though he was held back in his previous relationship and he now wants to make up for it by getting a little bit crazy. He has made a "bucket list" if you will of things he would like to do now that he is free. I don't want to be on that list. I don't want to be something he "does" now that he can. I don't want to be an oat.
The question is this: How do I know if I am becoming an oat?
There is no question that I doubt almost everything when it comes to relationships. A) I'm female and we over analyze and B) I have been hurt, so I am always thinking that I am being lied to or that people have an ulterior motive. It's not fair, I know that. I try very hard to start each new relationship forgetting how damaged my little heart is (little because I'm small, not because there is not any love it in.....just wanted to clarify). I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and assume that they are sincere and not just wanting to....well, for lack of a nicer way to put it.....bang me. Hiding my sexual side from dates is something I cannot do. I don't lie about who I am, and while I try to hold back, sometimes I can't help but ooze sex. I am pretty sure it's because I'm not getting any, but it is always on my mind. My fear then becomes when those I'm dating see that I am flirty, sexual, and fun they will take advantage of that and make me an oat. They might forget that I am also the girl who likes to be giggly and play and be serious and sweet. Men hear sex and it's all that is on their mind. They forget there is more to me.....or at least I think some of them might. When things are going well and I am hearing all the things a girl loves to hear, I assume I am being fed lines. I mean, this is what history has told me. I believe someone until I think they are legit, I give in to my naughty mind, then we never speak again. It's a super awesome plan that is the opposite of fool proof =)
With this particular person things are going well. Yes, there might be someone else who takes up my thoughts constantly and who I am also trying to ride the waves of uncertainty with, but this guy (who in case there are future stories I shall name him RRC) is the one who scares me. He is almost too nice. He tries too hard. He does everything right. I still feel like his oat.
It is at this point I have two paths I can take. I can ignore my gut instincts and carry on with dating him to see where it goes. I can let him prove me wrong. Or, I can follow my intuition, cut him off, and only try to date the man with whom I have a little more history and background on. It is so confusing!!!
I made a joke the other day to some of my friends that my dating life has become like a bad joke. A cop, a DEA Agent, and a Canadian walk into a bar.....who gets the girl?
Stay tuned to see what decisions I make and who wins out. Who knows, maybe it will be none of the above and come next summer/fall I will have found a traveler who carries my heart away ;-)
No matter what happens, I refuse to be an oat.
Now, the men I have been dating as of late are all a little bit older than me and divorced. I am not judging as I myself had a failed marriage. I just feel as though women and men think differently after a divorce. I wanted to be with someone, I wanted the comfort of holding someone. Before I had even signed papers I was involved with MAB. For the time, he gave me what I needed. Yes, I ended up getting my heart broke more than it had ever been, but I was ready for him and I gave in. I get the feeling from one of the men I have gone out with recently that he is not looking to be with someone but instead wanting to "sew some wild oats." He was married for what I consider a lengthy time and has some kids to show for it. I believe this man feels as though he was held back in his previous relationship and he now wants to make up for it by getting a little bit crazy. He has made a "bucket list" if you will of things he would like to do now that he is free. I don't want to be on that list. I don't want to be something he "does" now that he can. I don't want to be an oat.
The question is this: How do I know if I am becoming an oat?
There is no question that I doubt almost everything when it comes to relationships. A) I'm female and we over analyze and B) I have been hurt, so I am always thinking that I am being lied to or that people have an ulterior motive. It's not fair, I know that. I try very hard to start each new relationship forgetting how damaged my little heart is (little because I'm small, not because there is not any love it in.....just wanted to clarify). I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and assume that they are sincere and not just wanting to....well, for lack of a nicer way to put it.....bang me. Hiding my sexual side from dates is something I cannot do. I don't lie about who I am, and while I try to hold back, sometimes I can't help but ooze sex. I am pretty sure it's because I'm not getting any, but it is always on my mind. My fear then becomes when those I'm dating see that I am flirty, sexual, and fun they will take advantage of that and make me an oat. They might forget that I am also the girl who likes to be giggly and play and be serious and sweet. Men hear sex and it's all that is on their mind. They forget there is more to me.....or at least I think some of them might. When things are going well and I am hearing all the things a girl loves to hear, I assume I am being fed lines. I mean, this is what history has told me. I believe someone until I think they are legit, I give in to my naughty mind, then we never speak again. It's a super awesome plan that is the opposite of fool proof =)
With this particular person things are going well. Yes, there might be someone else who takes up my thoughts constantly and who I am also trying to ride the waves of uncertainty with, but this guy (who in case there are future stories I shall name him RRC) is the one who scares me. He is almost too nice. He tries too hard. He does everything right. I still feel like his oat.
It is at this point I have two paths I can take. I can ignore my gut instincts and carry on with dating him to see where it goes. I can let him prove me wrong. Or, I can follow my intuition, cut him off, and only try to date the man with whom I have a little more history and background on. It is so confusing!!!
I made a joke the other day to some of my friends that my dating life has become like a bad joke. A cop, a DEA Agent, and a Canadian walk into a bar.....who gets the girl?
Stay tuned to see what decisions I make and who wins out. Who knows, maybe it will be none of the above and come next summer/fall I will have found a traveler who carries my heart away ;-)
No matter what happens, I refuse to be an oat.
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