I'm in my 30's. I'm dating. My dream is to settle down and come home to the same person every night and have crazy, wild, passionate sex. I will not deny that I am a sexual person, that would be like Angelina Jolie denying she is a little bit crazy (I mean she used to wear Billy Bob Thorton's blood around her neck! Creepy!) Anyway, that is what I want, therefore that is what I am searching for.
Now, the men I have been dating as of late are all a little bit older than me and divorced. I am not judging as I myself had a failed marriage. I just feel as though women and men think differently after a divorce. I wanted to be with someone, I wanted the comfort of holding someone. Before I had even signed papers I was involved with MAB. For the time, he gave me what I needed. Yes, I ended up getting my heart broke more than it had ever been, but I was ready for him and I gave in. I get the feeling from one of the men I have gone out with recently that he is not looking to be with someone but instead wanting to "sew some wild oats." He was married for what I consider a lengthy time and has some kids to show for it. I believe this man feels as though he was held back in his previous relationship and he now wants to make up for it by getting a little bit crazy. He has made a "bucket list" if you will of things he would like to do now that he is free. I don't want to be on that list. I don't want to be something he "does" now that he can. I don't want to be an oat.
The question is this: How do I know if I am becoming an oat?
There is no question that I doubt almost everything when it comes to relationships. A) I'm female and we over analyze and B) I have been hurt, so I am always thinking that I am being lied to or that people have an ulterior motive. It's not fair, I know that. I try very hard to start each new relationship forgetting how damaged my little heart is (little because I'm small, not because there is not any love it in.....just wanted to clarify). I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and assume that they are sincere and not just wanting to....well, for lack of a nicer way to put it.....bang me. Hiding my sexual side from dates is something I cannot do. I don't lie about who I am, and while I try to hold back, sometimes I can't help but ooze sex. I am pretty sure it's because I'm not getting any, but it is always on my mind. My fear then becomes when those I'm dating see that I am flirty, sexual, and fun they will take advantage of that and make me an oat. They might forget that I am also the girl who likes to be giggly and play and be serious and sweet. Men hear sex and it's all that is on their mind. They forget there is more to me.....or at least I think some of them might. When things are going well and I am hearing all the things a girl loves to hear, I assume I am being fed lines. I mean, this is what history has told me. I believe someone until I think they are legit, I give in to my naughty mind, then we never speak again. It's a super awesome plan that is the opposite of fool proof =)
With this particular person things are going well. Yes, there might be someone else who takes up my thoughts constantly and who I am also trying to ride the waves of uncertainty with, but this guy (who in case there are future stories I shall name him RRC) is the one who scares me. He is almost too nice. He tries too hard. He does everything right. I still feel like his oat.
It is at this point I have two paths I can take. I can ignore my gut instincts and carry on with dating him to see where it goes. I can let him prove me wrong. Or, I can follow my intuition, cut him off, and only try to date the man with whom I have a little more history and background on. It is so confusing!!!
I made a joke the other day to some of my friends that my dating life has become like a bad joke. A cop, a DEA Agent, and a Canadian walk into a bar.....who gets the girl?
Stay tuned to see what decisions I make and who wins out. Who knows, maybe it will be none of the above and come next summer/fall I will have found a traveler who carries my heart away ;-)
No matter what happens, I refuse to be an oat.
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