So, this past weekend was the Super Bowl Even though I love sports, I have a sinking feeling that it will be a long time before my team ever has a chance to be at this event so I never really get that into it. For me Super Bowl Sunday should be a great 10 minute concert with some football and good commercials mixed in. Since this year Beyonce was the halftime show, I had to count on the commercials as my source of entertainment.
In comes GoDaddy.com Now, I know the whole world is a buzz with talk of "Holy cow that nerd Walter got to make out with Bar Rafaeli!" Why is no one saying "Ewwwwwww, all I hear is kissing noises." While everyone was staring at the commercial, I was listening. And I was disturbed. If you have read anything I have ever written, you know I love to make out. If I'm alone with you for more than a couple of hours, chances are I have studied your lips and thought about how it would be to kiss you. 70% of the time I will have tried to find out within that same time frame. What really freaks me out about kissing though, is the noises that go with it. I hate the sound lips make when they separate. I hate the suction noise that comes when you have your mouth slightly opened and you pull away. Don't even get me started on saliva noises. Just...eew. The problem is, I have really sensitive ears and when I hear all the racket that goes on with kissing I can't focus on what I'm doing. I get distracted so I need someone who can keep me focused, or help me get so lost I don't care. This takes a special person and has only happened to me a couple of times in my life.
Sometimes, kissing leads to other things. When it starts to progress, this is where I wish my life were a Rom Com. In a movie, this is the point where either the perfect love song or the perfect hot steamy sex song would start to play (depending on the circumstances obviously). In my movie, Channing Tatum (or someone equally as good looking in uniform) leads me down my hallway then grabs my hips and lifts me up to his waist while simultaneously pushing my back to the wall and running his lips down my neck. The whole time this is happening Marc Broussard's The Beauty of Who You Are is rising in volume to the heat of our passion. As I'm carried to my bedroom and thrown onto my bed, the music continues with some Kings of Leon and into my perfect "sex mixed tape". Alas, my life is not a movie and my night in shining armor has yet to climax with me to the voice of Matt Nathanson.
Instead of beautiful music playing, most of the world has to settle for whatever noise is happening in the world at the moment you decide to take your clothes off. I know I can't be the only person who wants there to be background noise so that the noises that accompany sex can be drowned out. I may not be in the best shape in the world, but even if you are Heidi Klum, there are moments during sex where one might think a seal is clapping for you in the corner. It happens. Bodies get sweaty, people slide around, skin rubs things, it gets noisy. I'm not going to deny the fact that my body has made noises I have prayed I never hear again.
I think the lesson here is simple: install a motion detected surround sound system that will always play your perfect sex playlist when you cross the threshold into your bedroom. Worst case scenario, every night when you enter your room to go to sleep the music starts and you are reminded you are single and alone. But trust me, all those nights having to turn the music off will be worth it when it finally plays out the way you have it scripted in your head. And when it does finally happen, maybe the seal will still be clapping, but you won't hear him because you will be listening to yourself breathe to the beat of James Morrison.
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