Oh God, are you picturing me wearing that? This is awkward...

I have a secret to tell you.

Come closer.

No really, come super close, I have to whisper it.  (Mmmmmm, you smell good).

Oh, here is it, are you ready?  I HEART TARGET!!!!!

Whew, it felt good to get that off my chest.  I feel like I’m being healed as we speak.  The first step to improvement is admitting you have a problem, right?  Well, I have a Target problem.  I can’t go in there without spending over $100.  Ever.  It’s impossible.  Actually, I challenge you to try it.  I bet you don’t succeed.  You will go in for gum and end up grabbing a t-shirt, the new GaGa CD, 3 books, 4 bottles of wine (remember, we don’t judge on this site)---this is when you realize it’s going to be one of those trips and you run back to the front of the store to grab a cart---then you keep shopping and you end up with a few Market District items, a new trench coat, and blah blah blah the list goes on until you know you are about to spend your rent at Target.  I guarantee it will happen to you. 

So, what does Target have to do with dating one might ask?  Lots.

As a single woman, I have been to my share of showers, bachelorette parties, and all the gatherings that happen before a woman gets married.  (Ok, if you must know, I’ve had these gatherings myself.  Ugh, I’m divorced.  We will discuss that at another time.)  Anyway, at these parties I have witnessed my friends opening the entire spectrum of lingerie…from gorgeous to slutty.  Let’s face it, after the honeymoon week, you settle into married life and that shit gets thrown into the dark corner of your closet.  Then one day when you are knocked up and feeling saucy from the hormones you reach back into the dungeon and find something special to throw on for your hubby only to start crying when you put it on because A) Your boobs are now ginormous and while that’s a good thing they don’t fit into the tiny outfit and B) The dress like thing that was supposed to hang open and show off your once flat and toned abs now opens wide over your 8 months prego belly.  You look ridiculous and in a fit of rage (again, hormones people) you throw every piece of lingerie away knowing that those days are behind you.  Or maybe that only happens to my sister. 

Either way, lingerie is meant for the single ladies.  We need to get a piece, and are trying to look good while we do it.  So, that being said the shit gets expensive, and as much as I’m a Vickie’s fan I have found that Target has some cute things.  I learned my lesson though.  Do not go to the register with the teenage boy running checkout.  I went to Target a while ago, you know for gum, and when I was at the checkout counter things got weird.  I had roughly 80 things on the conveyor belt and I was texting and not paying attention…I mean, I have peeps to keep up with yo, I’m very popular.  Anywho, the kid was not paying attention either.  He was roughly 17 and wanted to be Justin Bieber.  You could just tell.  We went along me happily texting, and him staring down rockin to the awesome Target music…until…OMG, he picked up a thong.  There in front on him on the conveyor was a small pile of underwear (all thongs thank you very much) and an adorable little lingerie piece that I picked up.  This is how it all went down.

Target kid: (while holding black thong in the air) Whoa

He looks at me

He looks back at the thong as his face gets a little red

He looks at me again…this time stares me up and down, totally checking me out and smiling…his face gets even redder

TK: (looking back at thong) Whoa…uhhh, ya, uhhhhh, I didn’t know we sold this stuff.

Me: Oh ya, you totally do!

TK checked out the rest of my things while staring at the ground.  He could not look me in the eye.  Maybe it was because his face matched the color of his red shirt he was forced to wear.  It was awesome.  I was both flattered and felt completely bad for him.  I left and immediately called my mom because I burst out laughing.  Poor kid.  I should have given him one of the cases of beer I bought.

The lesson here is this:  we all want to look hot and feel saucy when we are about to…ya know…but remember this please, if you are going to buy your lingerie at Target go to a woman cashier.