I want my cake, and I want to eat it.

If I had a dollar for every time I have been hit on or pursued by someone who has either a wife or a serious girlfriend I would have.....well, probably only like $8.  But still, that is more than I should be able to collect.  This got me thinking, do we always want what we can't have?

It is human nature to think that someone always has it better.  We are always striving for more and just when we think we might be content we see something else we want.  Just as I settle in to my newest Coach bag, I see a friend with a Louis and I'm like "Dammit, that looks way better!"  When it comes to dating, this part of our nature makes things tricky.  Some of us are blinded and never know who might be coming after us.   

I'm single.  Whoa, I know I just threw some brand new information at you.  (Please tell me that someone said that in their best Phoebe voice?)  Anyway, as a single person I guess I assume that when I am out and meeting new people I will be flirted with by other single people.  If you are going to ask me out then I am going to assume you don't have a significant other.  This is apparently my first big mistake in dating.  I know I have talked about this craziness before, but apparently it's still happening. 

I met a gentleman a few months back through work.  He came into my office to sell some shit, I told him I didn't want anything and graciously told him not to bother coming back.  Problem was, he was cute, so I secretly did want him to come back even though I didn't want what he was selling.  At the time I couldn't think of a work appropriate to say, "I don't want to buy your product, but if you are selling yourself I'll put in a bid" so I let him walk out.  A couple of months later, he came back.  We chatted, maybe even flirted a little, and then I told him that I still didn't want his stuff.  A few more weeks later we emailed, flirted more, exchanged numbers, and he asked me to lunch.  We had a lovely yet slightly awkward "business" lunch where we were trying to gauge if the other thought the meal was more for business or pleasure.  When afterward he texted me that I had smelled nice, I figured that it had been a pleasure lunch.  I gave myself a pat on the back and smiled because a good date is worth smiling for.  I had my reservations, but I always like to give people a chance.  Besides, being told I smell good is like an instant turn on for me.  I'm a smell person, I like to smell good and if a man smells good I immediately start to drip.   

We started chatting regularly.....if Monday through Friday 8-5 was considered regular.  What I mean by that is that I never heard from him outside of work hours.  I thought it was strange, but he did have kids so I was optimistic (again, optimism is always my downfall) that maybe he wanted to spend his nights and weekends uninterrupted with them.  Our workday chats were getting more flirty each day and since we could not find a night we were both free we planned to have another lunch.  This time there was no question in my mind that it was a date and not a business lunch.  We flirted the whole way through, and had he not had to drop me back off at my office I am completely confident that we would have made out in the car.  There is something about making out right out side your bosses window that puts a damper on one's libido.  The Holiday's were coming up at this point so we both got busy but planned on seeing each other soon.  Then he stopped talking to me.  I let it fade because let's be honest, I'm tired of chasing people and He's Just Not That Into You made it very clear that if a guy wanted to see me he would make the effort.  So it faded out.  Or so I thought.

Last week he randomly asked me to lunch.  I was busy and didn't really see the point so I politely backed out.  Yesterday he asked me to meet him for a drink.  Again, I was busy and it was last minute so I said no.  I could have left it at that, but I was really curious as to why after two months I was now hearing from this person.  I had long ago come to the conclusion that he was still married and spent his nights and weekends playing monopoly with his lovely wife and kids.  I mean, after all, that would explain the no night or weekend texts and the sudden disappearance.  In my mind he had just decided that he didn't want to cheat once he took notice that I was not "the other woman" type of girl.  Did I let my imagination run away with the excuses I made up for him?  Probably, but that's what we women do.  We make things up to help us feel better about why some guy decided to stop talking to us.  So anyway, I decided to ask him why he wanted to take me out.  I'm pretty sure he was shocked by my question but he replied with a string of compliments about me and then said he enjoyed my company.  He was curious as to why I asked my question.  I politely told him that it was my experience that when you don't hear from someone for weeks that it was because they had blown you off.  This is where it got interesting.  He replied "No, I am not blowing you off at all!  But if I am being honest I have been seeing someone and it recently has become serious so that does put a little bit of a wrinkle in things." 

A WRINKLE IN THINGS???  First of all, there isn't anything to put a wrinkle in.  Second of all, an hour ago you asked me to meet you for drinks?!?  Maybe I'm dumb, but "serious relationship" doesn't usually mean "have drinks with another woman."  There were multiple questions running through my mind, but instead of asking I just ended the conversation.  What good was it going to do me to find out why he wanted to take me out when he had just gotten serious with someone else. 

Have you ever gone car shopping and in the back of your mind even though you ended up buying the Lincoln MKX you secretly wanted the Mercedes?  Then one day you drive by the Mercedes dealership and think to yourself, "What the hell, I can take the ML350 for a quick ride."  I am the Mercedes in this scenario.  I didn't get purchased, but somehow those who aren't even looking for something new think its okay to take me for a test drive.  Problem is, I don't want to be test driven, I want to be bought.  I don't want to be the car you keep thinking about in the back of your mind that every now and then you run to for a quick ride.  This is the problem with men I come in contact with.  They all own Lincoln's, and they don't realize that they can't afford to have both cars. 

For now, this Mercedes is going to get detailed and continue to look like the best thing on the lot.  One of these days someone is going to be shopping for exactly what I have to offer. 

Ummmmm, did that noise come from me?

So, this past weekend was the Super Bowl   Even though I love sports, I have a sinking feeling that it will be a long time before my team ever has a chance to be at this event so I never really get that into it.  For me Super Bowl Sunday should be a great 10 minute concert with some football and good commercials mixed in.  Since this year Beyonce was the halftime show, I had to count on the commercials as my source of entertainment.

In comes GoDaddy.com  Now, I know the whole world is a buzz with talk of "Holy cow that nerd Walter got to make out with Bar Rafaeli!"  Why is no one saying "Ewwwwwww, all I hear is kissing noises."  While everyone was staring at the commercial, I was listening.  And I was disturbed.  If you have read anything I have ever written, you know I love to make out.  If I'm alone with you for more than a couple of hours, chances are I have studied your lips and thought about how it would be to kiss you.  70% of the time I will have tried to find out within that same time frame.  What really freaks me out about kissing though, is the noises that go with it.  I hate the sound lips make when they separate.  I hate the suction noise that comes when you have your mouth slightly opened and you pull away.  Don't even get me started on saliva noises.  Just...eew.  The problem is, I have really sensitive ears and when I hear all the racket that goes on with kissing I can't focus on what I'm doing.  I get distracted so I need someone who can keep me focused, or help me get so lost I don't care.  This takes a special person and has only happened to me a couple of times in my life.

Sometimes, kissing leads to other things.  When it starts to progress, this is where I wish my life were a Rom Com.  In a movie, this is the point where either the perfect love song or the perfect hot steamy sex song would start to play (depending on the circumstances obviously).  In my movie, Channing Tatum (or someone equally as good looking in uniform) leads me down my hallway then grabs my hips and lifts me up to his waist while simultaneously pushing my back to the wall and running his lips down my neck.  The whole time this is happening Marc Broussard's The Beauty of Who You Are is rising in volume to the heat of our passion.  As I'm carried to my bedroom and thrown onto my bed, the music continues with some Kings of Leon and into my perfect "sex mixed tape".  Alas, my life is not a movie and my night in shining armor has yet to climax with me to the voice of Matt Nathanson.

Instead of beautiful music playing, most of the world has to settle for whatever noise is happening in the world at the moment you decide to take your clothes off.  I know I can't be the only person who wants there to be background noise so that the noises that accompany sex can be drowned out.  I may not be in the best shape in the world, but even if you are Heidi Klum, there are moments during sex where one might think a seal is clapping for you in the corner.  It happens.  Bodies get sweaty, people slide around, skin rubs things, it gets noisy.  I'm not going to deny the fact that my body has made noises I have prayed I never hear again.

I think the lesson here is simple: install a motion detected surround sound system that will always play your perfect sex playlist when you cross the threshold into your bedroom.  Worst case scenario, every night when you enter your room to go to sleep the music starts and you are reminded you are single and alone.  But trust me, all those nights having to turn the music off will be worth it when it finally plays out the way you have it scripted in your head.  And when it does finally happen, maybe the seal will still be clapping, but you won't hear him because you will be listening to yourself breathe to the beat of James Morrison.  

Say my name say my name

So, I haven't written lately.  Holiday time for this single chick is rough.  I got married in December.....I got divorced in December.....my birthday is in December.  Each year that passes where I'm left still single reminds me that thousands more eggs have dissappeared from my body.  Did you know that by the time you are 30, 90% of your eggs are gone?  So ya, I'm basically left in my mid thirties with only janky old eggs left.  Should I place my order for "The Crazy Cat Lady Kit" and call it a day?  Maybe.  Should I go to Ambiance and get a new vibrator and celebrate being able to make myself cum quickly as opposed to having to wait for a man to figure out how to do it for me?  Definitly. 

So, in the spirit of letting you know that some days I'm super glad I can errrrrr "do it for myself", I decided to tell a story of one experience where I really wish I had spent my birthday alone with my B.O.B. 

A few years back I was dating someone who I would call emotional and needy.  Actually, I'm pretty sure that's putting it lightly.  He was kind of a mess, but I like projects and fixing things, so I thought it would work out great.  Don't get me wrong, he was a lovely person and someday he will find someone who is right for him, it's just that the someone was not me.  I'm pretty sure even he knew it wasn't me because when we were having birthday sex one night he decided to call me Sarah.  Yes, I know most of the people reading this don't know my name, but I can assure you it is not Sarah.  Nor does it sounds anything like Sarah.  So, anyway, there I am laying with my legs in the air pretty confident my boyfriend had just called me the name of his baby mama.  I wasn't completly sure I heard correctly because it was one of the few times I was moaning (I'm generally awkwardly quiet during sex, it's something I'm working on).  Anyway, even though I wasn't completly sure, I had totally lost my lady boner.  He on the other hand continued on babbling random things and moving on like nothing happened.  Thank God he was just about finished when he said it and I was able to quickly put my clothes on and escape to the bathroom.  I washed  my face, and then met him downstairs where he was all set to give me my birthday gift.  As if calling me the wrong name wasn't a gift enough!

Anyway, as I was opening the gift I couldn't stop myself from asking what had just happened.  I bluntly said, "Did you call me Sarah when you were climaxing?"  His face went pale and just when I thoguht we was going to vomit he looked me right in the eye and said, "No!  I said sweetie."  I knew he was lying, he knew he was lying, if the stupid NintendoDS he was giving me for my birthday had a lie detector test on it he would have failed.  I just sat there, and asked again.  This time with tears welling up in his eyes he admitted to the mistake.    I asked him to leave.  He cried.  I told him it was my birthday and I didn't want him around for it.  He cried.  He begged for forgiveness, I threw him out of the house.  Maybe Sarah would forgive him, but not this chick.  Funny thing is, that is one of only a very small handfull of birthday's that  I have had a boyfriend.  I have very low expectations for my birthday for many reasons, you basically just have to remember it's my birthday and I'll get on my knees.  But even I want to be called by my name. 

Truth:  I didn't even masterbate this year on my birthday.  Me, not masterbate!  I know, crazytown, right?  I lost the drive to get myself off.  HAHAHAHA  jk  That will never happen.  But while this year I didn't get to ring in the new year with a bang (literally) at least I was with people who all knew my name, and for that I'm eternally grateful.