Kids have a way of blurting things out without using their inner monologue. I feel that the ability to control what you say must be something that comes with reaching a certain age. Hmmmm, wait a minute, that's not right because old people don't use their inner monologue either. Okay okay, I get it.....kids and old folks.....they can get away with saying whatever because, well, kids don't know any better and old people have lived enough life that they are excused from everything that might not be socially acceptable. Like farting in public. Have you ever been behind and old person in the grocery who has the walking farts? I mean, sometimes I almost want to ask where they got their invisible pet duck from. Shoot, that was a little mean. I actually love the elderly, it's just that gas is funny. I'm like a 4 year old boy; sometimes I hear people fart and I giggle. Oh wait! 4 year old boy! That's right, I'm supposed to be talking about kids here. Sorry, we know I get sidetracked.
So, anywho, kids. We love them. They are adorable. Blah blah blah. This story actually is two separate instances that happened over a year apart from one another, but still, somehow they magically fit together.
The altercation with "the boy":
I was enjoying a lovely dinner with a friend, her husband, their 2 year old, my friends' sister and her family (which consisted of her hubby and their 2 kids). AKA: I was in perfect family Hell; just the place where the single girl loves to be. Don't get me wrong, I absolutly love these people. They made room for me at family dinner (I mean, when you are feeding 7 people already whats 1 more body at the table? Take pitty on the single girl, please, we need to eat too.). It's just that sometimes I don't need anyone, let alone a child, making me feel bad. So, here is what happened. While sitting down to dinner the lovely adoring yet inquisitive eyes of a 4 year old boy were staring up at me. I asked this beautiful child what he was thinking and he replied to me with a question. Our conversation went something like this.....
Me: Do you have something to ask?
Boy: What are you?
Me: What? (look questioningly at friend and boys mother)
Boy: Where are your kids?
Me: I don't have any kids.
Boy: Oh, okay, so you are a kid. (He sat thinking for a long moment) You are small, but you are a little bigger then the normal kid???
Me: Well, I'm an adult.
Boy: But you don't have kids.
Me: No
Boy: Where is your husband?
Me: I don't have one.
Boy: ???????
Me: Okay, listen, I don't have a husband or kids.
Boy: Ohhhhhh, so you are a kid. Do you have a mom? Do you have a dad?
Me: Yes, I have a mom and a dad, I actually live with them right now (giant sigh as I realize I'm explaining to a 4 year old that I am 29 and living with my parents because I have no husband or kids of my own).
Boy: I get it now. You're a kid. Just a big one.
Me: No, you're not listening, I'm an adult.
Boy: But if you don't have kids then you must be one. All adults have kids, you don't have kids, so you are a kid.
Me: (Silently to myself I yell "HE ISN'T LISTENING TO ME!!! OK SELF, CONTROL YOUR TEMPER, BREATHE, HE IS JUST A KID, HE DOESN'T KNOW YOU ARE CRAZY SENSITIVE ABOUT YOUR CURRENT LIFE SITUATION. BREATHE. Just laugh, excuse your self to the bathroom and then cry into your hands and get it all out. That's right girl, get it out. You will be in there a while crying, shoot, tell them you are something that made you feel funny. Their dinner made you cry and it made you have to poop! Haha, you said poop. Poop. HAHAHA It's still funny. Poop. HAHAHA. Whew, okay self, good job, you calmed yourself down. All it took was some good poop thoughts. Well done!)
Boy: Why are you laughing?
Me: No reason, sometimes big kids just laugh.
The altercation with "the girl":
It was a lovely summer day that I was spending with my niece whom I love more than words can say. At the time she was 5 years old and on this particular day she made me want to throw one of my stilettos at her cute round little face. Our conversation went something like this.....
Niece: Do you want to play house?
Me: Sure!
Niece: Okay, let's go upstairs. I'll get my baby and be the momm, you can pretend to be my husband.
Me: Ummmm , okay, let's go.
Niece: Where is your husband?
Me: I'm confused, I thought I was playing your husband?
Niece: No, not in the game, in real life. Where is he?
Me: Oh, I don't have one.
Niece: Then your boyfriend, where is he? How come he never hangs out with us?
Me: Well, I don't have a boyfriend either.
Niece: So you don't have any kids? Mommy says that you need to be married to have kids and you're not married. Do you not want kids is that why you aren't married? You don't want a boyfriend or a husband?
Me: .........
Niece: I have a boyfriend. He is in my class at school. He lives down the street. I'm pretty sure my cousin has a boyfriend. Why don't you? Is there something wrong with you?
Me: ......
Niece: (staring sweetly at me waiting for an answer)
Me: .....Well.....uhhh....you see.....sometimes not all people have boyfriends or husbands.
Niece: But you're old. (long pause) Didn't you used to have a husband? I remember someone I used to call Uncle when I was little (as if she is so big right now!)
Me: Well yes, I was married, but I'm not anymore. So for now, it's just me. No boyfriend, no husband, no kids.
Niece: So you live all alone? No one is with you?
Me: (sigh) No, it's just me. Can we play house now please, I'd like to pretend I have a family, even if it is a 5 year old wife and a plastic baby.
Kids. We love them. They are adorable. Sometimes we want to shove a muzzle over their mouths. Ugh, but they mean well with their little inquisitive minds. Too cute to be mad at. Nothing a good chick flick, a bag of popcorn, and a bottle of wine can't fix. Wait, that usually makes it worse. Oh well, a toast please: Here's to not letting "kid word vomit" get to ya! Slainte!!
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