Next time I go on a date I will remember to bring orange juice

I don't even know where to start this.

Like really.

It was that bad.

It's not that I'm not sympathetic to those with medical issues, because I am, it's just that there are things you can do to avoid armageddon from happening on a first date.

I should have known it was going to be fantastic seeing as how we "met" on match.com (Remember how much I heart that website).  Anyway, as per the usual way online dating goes, we e-mailed a bit, then texted, then finally talked on the phone.  We planned to meet for dinner/a drink in the middle of the week.  Oh, and by the way, we shall call this man OJ.....you'll figure out why. 

Anyway, after chatting OJ up I decided he was safe and that I would meet him at his house so that we could go to dinner together.  I got there and was pleasantly surprised....he was just as cute in person as in his pictures!  Who knew!  You would be surprised how often people look like Jake Gyllenhall in their pics and then you end up on a date with Steve Buscemi.  I mean how do muscles get replaced with saggy weird eyes?  I don't know, but it happens.  The dating world is a weird warp zone where hotties get replaced with creepers, I swear.  So, anyway, where was I....sorry, I get sidetracked easily when I think of muscles....and Jake....and oh those blue eyes....and oh...god....the hottness....and shit, now I'm horny.  God!  I keep getting off track.

Ok.

OJ.

Disasterous date.

No Jake.

Got it.

So, I'm at OJ's place and he is showing me around giving me the grand tour.  Fun times peeps.  We get in the car and head to dinner.  The restaurant had no idea what they were in for.  We got seated, ordered our beers, and decided on what to eat.  The conversation was flowing smoothly, some laughter and not too many awkward pauses...yet.  Our food was delivered and something changed.  All of a sudden OJ stopped replying to me.  I was eating and trying to make conversation, but every time I looked up he had this weird look on his face.  I just kept eating my dinner thinking to myself crap, do I have something on my face, is there chicken in my tooth, did I spill something on my shirt and he is trying not to laugh?  I don't understand what's happening here.  For a while I just kept eating.  The silence was deafening.  It was almost as if all the other tables had stopped talking too because I could not hear anything other than my heart racing. 

I finally looked up again to see OJ gripping the table.  Hard.  He started to push on it.  Shake it.  Move it.  (Side note:  Every time I hear someone say "move it"  I picture being back in the 90's and rockin out to Reel 2 Real....you know you want to sing it right now, go on with your bad self.  I like to move it move it!)  Ok, back on track.  The table is shaking, moving, being gripped by a man whose face looks so distorted I was scared.  I asked him if he was ok.  No answer.  I sat there.  The server came over, stared, and asked if we were ok.  I said that I thought so and she left.  Again, I asked if he was ok.  Again, no answer.  The table was being pushed closer to me.  There was more shaking.  I got up, visibaly scared and asked if he was ok.  Nothing.  People were staring.  The server came back over and asked if we were ok again to which I replied "I'm not really sure what's happening."  I begged OJ to talk to me.  Nothing.  The manager saw us.  He came over.  He took one look at us and asked what was going on and what I usually did when this kind of thing happened.  In shock my reply was "I don't know what I usually do, welcome to our first date, we met 30 mintues ago.  I don't know what's happening."  I'm loud, I'm sure many people heard because they were all staring.  A bartender came over and took one look and asked me if he was diabebtic.  Hey lady, remember when WE JUST MET!?!?!?!?  She brought over a cup of orange juice.  OJ gulped it down.  She handed him the gallon jug and he drank the whole thing.  If he had been in a keg chugging contest he might have won.  The manager tried to make me feel better by telling me that on his first date with his wife he forgot his wallet and made her pay.  They have been married for 35 years.  Ok, you forgot your wallet, my date is having a seizure.  Not the same thing.  After a few more minutes of standing there, the sweating started to slow down (mine and his, haha), some of the stares had been averted, and OJ was now sitting.  Finally he spoke.  "What the FUCK was that?"  Really buddy.  Really.  That is what you are going to say?  The waitress, the bartender, and the manger left us (sounds like the beginning to a joke....this one was not funny unfortunatly), and we were back to sitting alone at the table. 

After triple checking to make sure that OJ was ok we continued on with dinner.  We paid our bill (after all that shit they could not have given us a free meal!), and left.  Together.  Remember, I was stuck going back to his house.  So, in the car I checked again to make sure he was ok and then asked if this was something that frequently happened to him.  It was in this conversation I learned a couple things.  OJ is indeed diabetic.  He has been since age 4.  His doctors want to put him on an Insulin pump beacuse his diabetes is so bad but he refuses to comply because he wants to be able to go shirtless in the summer since he has nice abs.  Apparantly a tiny tube that helps to keep you alive is a distraction.  Oh, and he almost died a few months ago but has not changed his lifestyle at all.  Awesome. 

He apologized and asked if I was brave enough to see him again to let him know.  I hugged him goodnight, and left. 

The next morning I received another text.  Again, aplogizing.  I'm not heartless, and I do realize that things happen (you would think that after 33 years of having a disease you would be able to manage better, or be prepared, or feel the warning signs coming on that something VERY BAD was about to happen so you could tell your first date that you were about to have a diabetic seizure, but whatever), so ya know everyone deserves a second chance. 

I went over a couple of days later.  We were snuggling on the couch watching TV when he brought up the other night.  Notice I said he brought it up, not me.  So, me being curious I nicely asked him something along the lines of, "This has to be really hard on you, is there anything that you think you can do, or that you have discussed with your doctors to do to prevent things from happening?  I just feel like there has to be a better way, just for your benefit."  In my head I was really thinking hey asshole, remember when if you are diabetic you probably should not have ordered beer while we were out, and how you should be on an insulin pump, and how you should expand your normal drinking to something beyond caffeineated beverages because even I know thats not healthy! I'm not a doctor or a nurse and I don't have dibetes but I can tell you multiple things you can change right now that might make a difference in...oh, I don't know, YOU LIVING!  But no, I'm rational, and sweet, and I did not say what was going through my head.  I cannot say the same for OJ.  He yelled.  And got angry.  And told me how dare I even ask a question regarding his health when I knew nothing about him.  He was doing everything necessary (not true) to keep his diabetes under control.  I could not even tell you what he said because he was so irrational, and I was stunned.  When he finished, I apologized (because as a self proclaimed "pleaser" thats what I do, when I get yelled at for no reason I apologize....you know, because that makes sense).  I simply told him that I had been scared the other night and was scared for him and was simply trying to know if there was anything that I could do or any other way it could be approached, for his benefit.  He yelled some more.  I apologized again and asked to drop it.  20 minutes later I left.

He texted multiple times after that, I stopped replying.  Everyone gets a second chance, he did not deserve a third. 

Moral here:  Shaking things up on a first date is not always a good thing.

Of course you're interested in me, you're married!!!

I have recently discovered a new trend in the fashion world.  No wait, this is not fashion.  It's not like I'm wearing some new piece of clothing.  The trend I have discovered is much stranger, darker, naughtier.  Even I don't quite understand it. 

I am apparently only attractive to married men. 

Now, its not like I'm going out looking for the tan lined finger of a gentleman pretending to be single in my bar.  I am not that kind of lady thank you very much.  What happens is much more innocent than that.  Be it a work situation, or just a friend of a friend, a casual acquaintance, or yes, even a group thing at a bar I seem to draw the married folk in.  Since there is no risk of this being a "dating" situation, I am perfectly comfortable being my incredibly awesome self.  Mistake #1.  I become irresistible.  There needs to be a way to harness this power towards the greater good of finding an available man.

The larger problem comes in the fact that men are tricky.  Married men are trickier.  They got someone to marry them once, so they know what women want.  They know what we want to hear and they know we need follow through.  I'm not even sure that I knew I was being pursued at first, I might be a little naive yes I'll admit that, but who would think that was what was happening.  I always give people the benefit of the doubt.  So like I said, married men are tricky.  They steal your phone when you go to the bathroom, get your number off of it and days later send you a message.  You let it go because really, that's not happening.  Maybe a year and a half later when you see them again they tell you that they haven't stopped thinking about you and want to see you.  Again, you say, whoa, super flattered, but ya, not happening.  I could go on and on and give details as to apparently how awesome and desirable I am to multiple people...none of whom will A) ever have the pleasure of actually knowing how wonderful I am as a person or B) ever have the pleasure of actually knowing how wonderful I am in bed (both OUT OF THIS WORLD).  I will not give in to these men, they are not worth it because they mean nothing to me. 

What does mean something to me is figuring out why it is that the only people I seem to be attracting are those who are already taken.  So, I'm going to conduct an interview.  I'm going to ask these men why I am attractive to them, what it is about me that is so alluring.  I mean, I don't care if they think I'm a weirdo for asking, they aren't gonna get a piece of this anyway! hahaha

Maybe this will help, maybe it won't, but at least I know that I'm trying, right!  I have not given up yet!

Ice Cream, Blood, and Camo

Seeing as how yesterday was Memorial Day I thought it was only appropriate to tell a story about MAB (we met here).

From reading above you know that things started so well.  After the wonderful first date that ended with 2 days in the hospital I saw MAB again the day I was released.  What I failed to mention in the story of how we met was that on our first date I found out that he was leaving.  By leaving I of course mean he was being deployed.  He had gotten his assigment that week, and at the end of the year (only 8 months away) he would be heading to Iraq for a year.  To this day I honestly feel that had a lot to do with why things went so well with MAB.....I was myself, there was no pressure, we knew he was leaving so we enjoyed what we had without putting labels or stress on it.  It was glorious. 

Anyway, the weekend after we first met MAB had drill to prepare for deployment.  It was closer to my house than his and since it was all weekend long I invited him to stay with me.....I know, we knew each other a week, you're thinking I'm a tramp.  But like I said he was HOTT and I really liked him.  Deal with it.  So, after his first night of drill he showed up at my apartment and called me from the door buzzer.  He told me to meet him downstairs because he was starving and needed food.  I might have skipped down because I was so excited. 

There standing on the stoop was the most gorgeous man I had ever seen.....and in uniform.  There he stood at 6'2" in full camo.  I melted (well, and it was super hot out that night so I literally could have melted, I don't do well in the heat....my hair gets all weird).  Anyway, I mustered up the energy to jump on him in the parking lot and give him a big kiss before we went to Subway.  Standing in line I was sure everyone was staring, I mean HELLO CAN'T YOU SEE THE HOTTIE IN UNIFORM WITH ME?!?!?!?  We stood there together and he got dinner. 

I on the other hand, wanted ice cream.  Here is where the trouble started.  We went next door so that I could get a scoop to go.  The place was closing but they let us in....I still think they only did it for the hottie in uniform =)  Anyway, I ordered my ice cream, we walked out to the parking lot, they locked up behind us, I took my first lick and.....wow, I have a powerful tongue.....I knocked all my ice cream off the cone. 

NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

MAB just stood and laughed at me, I cried.  I sulked to the car and tripped on my flip flop and fell on my face.  On the pavement.  There I sat, hottie in uniform looking down at the little mess of a woman with a bloody knee and ice cream on her shirt. 

Super hott.

This is where every woman makes a choice:  A) Act all embarrassed and get super timid and not talk the rest of the night or B) Laugh at yourself, lay down on the pavement, and just continue giggling because really, life is too short to not be able to laugh when this shit happens.  I chose B, because this shit happens to me all the fucking time.  I'm funny, clumsy, sometimes awkward, but always know how to laugh it off. 

So, I may not have gotten any ice cream that night, but I did get MAB in the shower washing off the pavement stuck in my knee.  Trust me, that's way better. 

The moral here is this:  stupid and embarrassing things are going to happen to us all on dates (and in life for that matter).  We need to learn to laugh them off.  Something good is always waiting (like a hottie in the shower!!!  jk, that might not always be there, but something good will be).



---Thank you to all the service men and women who have served our country.  It is because of you that we can call ourselves free.