So, this past weekend was the Super Bowl Even though I love sports, I have a sinking feeling that it will be a long time before my team ever has a chance to be at this event so I never really get that into it. For me Super Bowl Sunday should be a great 10 minute concert with some football and good commercials mixed in. Since this year Beyonce was the halftime show, I had to count on the commercials as my source of entertainment.
In comes GoDaddy.com Now, I know the whole world is a buzz with talk of "Holy cow that nerd Walter got to make out with Bar Rafaeli!" Why is no one saying "Ewwwwwww, all I hear is kissing noises." While everyone was staring at the commercial, I was listening. And I was disturbed. If you have read anything I have ever written, you know I love to make out. If I'm alone with you for more than a couple of hours, chances are I have studied your lips and thought about how it would be to kiss you. 70% of the time I will have tried to find out within that same time frame. What really freaks me out about kissing though, is the noises that go with it. I hate the sound lips make when they separate. I hate the suction noise that comes when you have your mouth slightly opened and you pull away. Don't even get me started on saliva noises. Just...eew. The problem is, I have really sensitive ears and when I hear all the racket that goes on with kissing I can't focus on what I'm doing. I get distracted so I need someone who can keep me focused, or help me get so lost I don't care. This takes a special person and has only happened to me a couple of times in my life.
Sometimes, kissing leads to other things. When it starts to progress, this is where I wish my life were a Rom Com. In a movie, this is the point where either the perfect love song or the perfect hot steamy sex song would start to play (depending on the circumstances obviously). In my movie, Channing Tatum (or someone equally as good looking in uniform) leads me down my hallway then grabs my hips and lifts me up to his waist while simultaneously pushing my back to the wall and running his lips down my neck. The whole time this is happening Marc Broussard's The Beauty of Who You Are is rising in volume to the heat of our passion. As I'm carried to my bedroom and thrown onto my bed, the music continues with some Kings of Leon and into my perfect "sex mixed tape". Alas, my life is not a movie and my night in shining armor has yet to climax with me to the voice of Matt Nathanson.
Instead of beautiful music playing, most of the world has to settle for whatever noise is happening in the world at the moment you decide to take your clothes off. I know I can't be the only person who wants there to be background noise so that the noises that accompany sex can be drowned out. I may not be in the best shape in the world, but even if you are Heidi Klum, there are moments during sex where one might think a seal is clapping for you in the corner. It happens. Bodies get sweaty, people slide around, skin rubs things, it gets noisy. I'm not going to deny the fact that my body has made noises I have prayed I never hear again.
I think the lesson here is simple: install a motion detected surround sound system that will always play your perfect sex playlist when you cross the threshold into your bedroom. Worst case scenario, every night when you enter your room to go to sleep the music starts and you are reminded you are single and alone. But trust me, all those nights having to turn the music off will be worth it when it finally plays out the way you have it scripted in your head. And when it does finally happen, maybe the seal will still be clapping, but you won't hear him because you will be listening to yourself breathe to the beat of James Morrison.
Friday, February 8, 2013
Monday, January 7, 2013
Say my name say my name
So, I haven't written lately. Holiday time for this single chick is rough. I got married in December.....I got divorced in December.....my birthday is in December. Each year that passes where I'm left still single reminds me that thousands more eggs have dissappeared from my body. Did you know that by the time you are 30, 90% of your eggs are gone? So ya, I'm basically left in my mid thirties with only janky old eggs left. Should I place my order for "The Crazy Cat Lady Kit" and call it a day? Maybe. Should I go to Ambiance and get a new vibrator and celebrate being able to make myself cum quickly as opposed to having to wait for a man to figure out how to do it for me? Definitly.
So, in the spirit of letting you know that some days I'm super glad I can errrrrr "do it for myself", I decided to tell a story of one experience where I really wish I had spent my birthday alone with my B.O.B.
A few years back I was dating someone who I would call emotional and needy. Actually, I'm pretty sure that's putting it lightly. He was kind of a mess, but I like projects and fixing things, so I thought it would work out great. Don't get me wrong, he was a lovely person and someday he will find someone who is right for him, it's just that the someone was not me. I'm pretty sure even he knew it wasn't me because when we were having birthday sex one night he decided to call me Sarah. Yes, I know most of the people reading this don't know my name, but I can assure you it is not Sarah. Nor does it sounds anything like Sarah. So, anyway, there I am laying with my legs in the air pretty confident my boyfriend had just called me the name of his baby mama. I wasn't completly sure I heard correctly because it was one of the few times I was moaning (I'm generally awkwardly quiet during sex, it's something I'm working on). Anyway, even though I wasn't completly sure, I had totally lost my lady boner. He on the other hand continued on babbling random things and moving on like nothing happened. Thank God he was just about finished when he said it and I was able to quickly put my clothes on and escape to the bathroom. I washed my face, and then met him downstairs where he was all set to give me my birthday gift. As if calling me the wrong name wasn't a gift enough!
Anyway, as I was opening the gift I couldn't stop myself from asking what had just happened. I bluntly said, "Did you call me Sarah when you were climaxing?" His face went pale and just when I thoguht we was going to vomit he looked me right in the eye and said, "No! I said sweetie." I knew he was lying, he knew he was lying, if the stupid NintendoDS he was giving me for my birthday had a lie detector test on it he would have failed. I just sat there, and asked again. This time with tears welling up in his eyes he admitted to the mistake. I asked him to leave. He cried. I told him it was my birthday and I didn't want him around for it. He cried. He begged for forgiveness, I threw him out of the house. Maybe Sarah would forgive him, but not this chick. Funny thing is, that is one of only a very small handfull of birthday's that I have had a boyfriend. I have very low expectations for my birthday for many reasons, you basically just have to remember it's my birthday and I'll get on my knees. But even I want to be called by my name.
Truth: I didn't even masterbate this year on my birthday. Me, not masterbate! I know, crazytown, right? I lost the drive to get myself off. HAHAHAHA jk That will never happen. But while this year I didn't get to ring in the new year with a bang (literally) at least I was with people who all knew my name, and for that I'm eternally grateful.
So, in the spirit of letting you know that some days I'm super glad I can errrrrr "do it for myself", I decided to tell a story of one experience where I really wish I had spent my birthday alone with my B.O.B.
A few years back I was dating someone who I would call emotional and needy. Actually, I'm pretty sure that's putting it lightly. He was kind of a mess, but I like projects and fixing things, so I thought it would work out great. Don't get me wrong, he was a lovely person and someday he will find someone who is right for him, it's just that the someone was not me. I'm pretty sure even he knew it wasn't me because when we were having birthday sex one night he decided to call me Sarah. Yes, I know most of the people reading this don't know my name, but I can assure you it is not Sarah. Nor does it sounds anything like Sarah. So, anyway, there I am laying with my legs in the air pretty confident my boyfriend had just called me the name of his baby mama. I wasn't completly sure I heard correctly because it was one of the few times I was moaning (I'm generally awkwardly quiet during sex, it's something I'm working on). Anyway, even though I wasn't completly sure, I had totally lost my lady boner. He on the other hand continued on babbling random things and moving on like nothing happened. Thank God he was just about finished when he said it and I was able to quickly put my clothes on and escape to the bathroom. I washed my face, and then met him downstairs where he was all set to give me my birthday gift. As if calling me the wrong name wasn't a gift enough!
Anyway, as I was opening the gift I couldn't stop myself from asking what had just happened. I bluntly said, "Did you call me Sarah when you were climaxing?" His face went pale and just when I thoguht we was going to vomit he looked me right in the eye and said, "No! I said sweetie." I knew he was lying, he knew he was lying, if the stupid NintendoDS he was giving me for my birthday had a lie detector test on it he would have failed. I just sat there, and asked again. This time with tears welling up in his eyes he admitted to the mistake. I asked him to leave. He cried. I told him it was my birthday and I didn't want him around for it. He cried. He begged for forgiveness, I threw him out of the house. Maybe Sarah would forgive him, but not this chick. Funny thing is, that is one of only a very small handfull of birthday's that I have had a boyfriend. I have very low expectations for my birthday for many reasons, you basically just have to remember it's my birthday and I'll get on my knees. But even I want to be called by my name.
Truth: I didn't even masterbate this year on my birthday. Me, not masterbate! I know, crazytown, right? I lost the drive to get myself off. HAHAHAHA jk That will never happen. But while this year I didn't get to ring in the new year with a bang (literally) at least I was with people who all knew my name, and for that I'm eternally grateful.
Monday, September 24, 2012
It's what I imagine kissing a bulldog would be like
I love to kiss, and not just because I know that sometimes it leads to more interesting things. I genuinly love to kiss. Hmmmmm, maybe this is why I enjoy BJ's so much!?!?! It's like kissing without having to worry about if the person you are locking lips with is a good kisser back!
I have made out with good kissers as well as my share of bad ones, but no one quite takes the cake like my European ex. And I don't mean "takes the cake" as in wins. I mean "takes the cake" as in GIVE ME MY MOTHER FUCKING CAKE BACK YOU CREEP, YOU DON'T DESERVE ANY STOLEN CAKE! Ok, sorry I yelled. I'm pretty sure you would yell too if someone was molesting your mouth.
Let me describe to you the few ways I like to kiss:
The kiss on the forehead while being embraced in a hug. This is my favorite. It is sweet, arousing, and romantic all in one. The fact that I'm short and am usually completly body to body looking up at my kisser makes it that much sweeter.
The come from behind soft kiss on the side of the neck. Wow. If you want me instantly turned on and ready for action, do this. I always have a light spray of perfume on the back of my neck incase someone wants to kiss me. I want them to relate the sexuality of a moment like that to my smell. What can I say, I'm a smell person.
The fun and quick "no one is looking so I'm gonna steal a smooch" kiss. This one is playful, and lets someone know that when you are alone there will be more!
The soft yet passionate make out. Hmmmmmmm. If you perfect this life is amazing.
Finally, the hard, hungry, hot, urgent and sexy "I need you right now so I'm going to take you" kiss. I hope everyone has experienced this one. This kiss comes with it's own set of carnal desires and needs that make it extra special.
Ok, so those are the ways I like to be kissed. Notice, I did not mention that I want your mouth open so wide that you are simultaniously licking down my throat while sucking on both of my cheeks and almost encapsulating my nose making it impossible for me to breathe. This is not hot. It feels like a bull dog is letting his fat limp tongue explore the dark corners of your mouth. Oh, and the hands! I can't forget the hands! Don't get me wrong, I like a little groping if the moment is right; however, having your hands move at rapid pace over every inch of my body that you can reach (without stopping your dog like kissing) is not enjoyable. It feels like you are trying to rub out a fire that isn't there. This leaves me thinking to myself "Hmmmmmmm how can I get this to stop, he is freaking me out and I'm going to need to buy stock in Chapstick if things continue like this for much longer". Let me just tell you, those are not the thoughts you want to be running through your head in what should be a moment of passion.
I know I am idealistic, I realize that. But honestly I love the "Princess Diaries" moment where you kiss and without knowing it your leg pops up. I actually believe in these moments because I have had a couple of them before. In the past, these wonderful kisses may not have turned into anything lasting, and I may still be single dreamer, but I know that the person I end up with will give me the most perfect last first kiss.
I have made out with good kissers as well as my share of bad ones, but no one quite takes the cake like my European ex. And I don't mean "takes the cake" as in wins. I mean "takes the cake" as in GIVE ME MY MOTHER FUCKING CAKE BACK YOU CREEP, YOU DON'T DESERVE ANY STOLEN CAKE! Ok, sorry I yelled. I'm pretty sure you would yell too if someone was molesting your mouth.
Let me describe to you the few ways I like to kiss:
The kiss on the forehead while being embraced in a hug. This is my favorite. It is sweet, arousing, and romantic all in one. The fact that I'm short and am usually completly body to body looking up at my kisser makes it that much sweeter.
The come from behind soft kiss on the side of the neck. Wow. If you want me instantly turned on and ready for action, do this. I always have a light spray of perfume on the back of my neck incase someone wants to kiss me. I want them to relate the sexuality of a moment like that to my smell. What can I say, I'm a smell person.
The fun and quick "no one is looking so I'm gonna steal a smooch" kiss. This one is playful, and lets someone know that when you are alone there will be more!
The soft yet passionate make out. Hmmmmmmm. If you perfect this life is amazing.
Finally, the hard, hungry, hot, urgent and sexy "I need you right now so I'm going to take you" kiss. I hope everyone has experienced this one. This kiss comes with it's own set of carnal desires and needs that make it extra special.
Ok, so those are the ways I like to be kissed. Notice, I did not mention that I want your mouth open so wide that you are simultaniously licking down my throat while sucking on both of my cheeks and almost encapsulating my nose making it impossible for me to breathe. This is not hot. It feels like a bull dog is letting his fat limp tongue explore the dark corners of your mouth. Oh, and the hands! I can't forget the hands! Don't get me wrong, I like a little groping if the moment is right; however, having your hands move at rapid pace over every inch of my body that you can reach (without stopping your dog like kissing) is not enjoyable. It feels like you are trying to rub out a fire that isn't there. This leaves me thinking to myself "Hmmmmmmm how can I get this to stop, he is freaking me out and I'm going to need to buy stock in Chapstick if things continue like this for much longer". Let me just tell you, those are not the thoughts you want to be running through your head in what should be a moment of passion.
I know I am idealistic, I realize that. But honestly I love the "Princess Diaries" moment where you kiss and without knowing it your leg pops up. I actually believe in these moments because I have had a couple of them before. In the past, these wonderful kisses may not have turned into anything lasting, and I may still be single dreamer, but I know that the person I end up with will give me the most perfect last first kiss.
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