Conversations with children that make you want to stab your eyes out.

Kids have a way of blurting things out without using their inner monologue.  I feel that the ability to control what you say must be something that comes with reaching a certain age.  Hmmmm, wait a minute, that's not right because old people don't use their inner monologue either.  Okay okay, I get it.....kids and old folks.....they can get away with saying whatever because, well, kids don't know any better and old people have lived enough life that they are excused from everything that might not be socially acceptable.  Like farting in public.  Have you ever been behind and old person in the grocery who has the walking farts?  I mean, sometimes I almost want to ask where they got their invisible pet duck from.  Shoot, that was a little mean.  I actually love the elderly, it's just that gas is funny.  I'm like a 4 year old boy; sometimes I hear people fart and I giggle.  Oh wait!  4 year old boy! That's right, I'm supposed to be talking about kids here.  Sorry, we know I get sidetracked.

So, anywho, kids.  We love them.  They are adorable.  Blah blah blah.  This story actually is two separate instances that happened over a year apart from one another, but still, somehow they magically fit together.

The altercation with "the boy":
I was enjoying a lovely dinner with a friend, her husband, their 2 year old, my friends' sister and her family (which consisted of her hubby and their 2 kids).  AKA: I was in perfect family Hell; just the place where the single girl loves to be.  Don't get me wrong, I absolutly love these people.  They made room for me at family dinner (I mean, when you are feeding 7 people already whats 1 more body at the table?  Take pitty on the single girl, please, we need to eat too.).  It's just that sometimes I don't need anyone, let alone a child, making me feel bad.  So, here is what happened.  While sitting down to dinner the lovely adoring yet inquisitive eyes of a 4 year old boy were staring up at me.  I asked this beautiful child what he was thinking and he replied to me with a question.  Our conversation went something like this.....
Me: Do you have something to ask?
Boy: What are you?
Me:  What? (look questioningly at friend and boys mother)
Boy:  Where are your kids?
Me:  I don't have any kids.
Boy:  Oh, okay, so you are a kid. (He sat thinking for a long moment)  You are small, but you are a little bigger then the normal kid???
Me: Well, I'm an adult.
Boy: But you don't have kids.
Me: No
Boy:  Where is your husband?
Me:  I don't have one.
Boy:  ???????
Me: Okay, listen, I don't have a husband or kids.
Boy:  Ohhhhhh, so you are a kid.  Do you have a mom?  Do you have a dad?
Me:  Yes, I have a mom and a dad, I actually live with them right now (giant sigh as I realize I'm explaining to a 4 year old that I am 29 and living with my parents because I have no husband or kids of my own).
Boy:  I get it now.  You're a kid.  Just a big one.
Me:  No, you're not listening, I'm an adult.
Boy:  But if you don't have kids then you must be one.  All adults have kids, you don't have kids, so you are a kid.
Me: (Silently to myself I yell "HE ISN'T LISTENING TO ME!!!  OK SELF, CONTROL YOUR TEMPER, BREATHE, HE IS JUST A KID, HE DOESN'T KNOW YOU ARE CRAZY SENSITIVE ABOUT YOUR CURRENT LIFE SITUATION.  BREATHE.  Just laugh, excuse your self to the bathroom and then cry into your hands and get it all out.  That's right girl, get it out.  You will be in there a while crying, shoot, tell them you are something that made you feel funny.  Their dinner made you cry and it made you have to poop!  Haha, you said poop.  Poop.  HAHAHA  It's still funny.  Poop. HAHAHA.  Whew, okay self, good job, you calmed yourself down.  All it took was some good poop thoughts.  Well done!)
Boy:  Why are you laughing?
Me:  No reason, sometimes big kids just laugh.




The altercation with "the girl":
It was a lovely summer day that I was spending with my niece whom I love more than words can say.  At the time she was 5 years old and on this particular day she made me want to throw one of my stilettos at her cute round little face.  Our conversation went something like this.....
Niece:  Do you want to play house?
Me:  Sure!
Niece:  Okay, let's go upstairs.  I'll get my baby and be the momm, you can pretend to be my husband.
Me:  Ummmm , okay, let's go.
Niece:  Where is your husband?
Me:  I'm confused, I thought I was playing your husband?
Niece:  No, not in the game, in real life.  Where is he?
Me:  Oh, I don't have one.
Niece:  Then  your boyfriend, where is he?  How come he never hangs out with us?
Me:  Well, I don't have a boyfriend either.
Niece:  So you don't have any kids?  Mommy says that you need to be married to have kids and you're not married.  Do you not want kids is that why you aren't married?  You don't want a boyfriend or a husband?
Me: .........
Niece: I have a boyfriend.  He is in my class at school.  He lives down the street.  I'm pretty sure my cousin has a boyfriend.  Why don't you?  Is there something wrong with you?
Me: ......
Niece:  (staring sweetly at me waiting for an answer)
Me:  .....Well.....uhhh....you see.....sometimes not all people have boyfriends or husbands.
Niece:  But you're old. (long pause)  Didn't you used to have a husband?  I remember someone I used to call Uncle when I was little (as if she is so big right now!)
Me:  Well yes, I was married, but I'm not anymore.  So for now, it's just me.  No boyfriend, no husband, no kids.
Niece:  So you live all alone?  No one is with you?
Me:  (sigh)  No, it's just me.  Can we play house now please, I'd like to pretend I have a family, even if it is a 5 year old wife and a plastic baby.




Kids.  We love them.  They are adorable.  Sometimes we want to shove a muzzle over their mouths.  Ugh, but they mean well with their little inquisitive minds.  Too cute to be mad at.  Nothing a good chick flick, a bag of popcorn, and a bottle of wine can't fix.  Wait, that usually makes it worse.  Oh well, a toast please:  Here's to not letting "kid word vomit" get to ya!  Slainte!!

How can I take the guy who cuts the lawn at work lemonade without it being innapropriate?

I need to learn how to make lemonade.  Like really good lemonade.  Fast.

Isn't that what you serve really really HOTT men who are sweaty and doing manual labor outside in the sun during the summer?

I might have just had an orgasm thinking about it.  Ok, I did, there was no "might have."  Ugh, he is super sexy.

So, ya, I have this problem.  The guy who cuts the lawn at work is mega hot.  Like if Jake Gyllenhall was cutting my lawn and this guy was cutting my lawn, I'm not sure who I would offer the lemonade to first.  That's a big deal.  I have been waking up in the middle of the night humping my bed to dreams of Jake for years (wow, I'm totally inappropriate, and apparently hornier than most men I know), but this guy is good looking.  Every week when he is here I keep trying to find excuses to go outside.  I have gotten the mail, put something in my car, taken a random walk.....I think it's starting to get obvious.  I have done everything short of wearing a white t-shirt and walk outside pouring cold water all over my body.  (The thought has crossed my mind, don't underestimate me.)

This guy own the company too, so he is not just some worker bee, but the head of the whole production.  Did I mention he was yummy???

So, all I am asking for here is a little help.  Lemonade recipes please.  They need to be refreshing, tasty, light, and maybe contain a love potion.  I don't ask much.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation.