I haven't written lately.
And by lately I mean months.
Sometimes I find it hard to be humorous, other times I pee my pants a little because I can't stop laughing at my life. But don't worry, I've got vagina balls to help me on the latter. They are HUGE and scary, but I'm working on my kegels right now. Literally right now. I might pass out because apparantly I have trouble breathing while squeezing my vagina. You would think I pass out during sex a lot, but nope, I'm a champ.
Anyway, I haven't been laughing lately so I haven't written. I have been in one of those slumps where I find the things that happen to me depressing rather than amusing. Yesterday I cried. A lot. I was hurt, upset, confused, and just plain teary eyed most of the day. This morning I woke up with a tear stained pillow case and realized I had 2 choices: I could keep crying, or I could force myself to write...force myself to find the humor in the hand that I have been dealt...force myself to laugh at my luck in the hopes that someone would stumble upon my happy little blog and smile in the realization that they are not alone in the shithole of the dating world.
So here I am. Laughing and telling you about my last couple of weeks in singledom.
Have you ever stopped talking to someone for some unknown reason (ie the reason being they were a giant asshole) and you had that moment where you thought to yourself "I'm never going to talk to them again, I should delete their number from my phone." I'm here to tell you, DON'T DO IT! You never know when they will show back up on your phone.
You'd think that after two years you wouldn't hear from someone anymore. I was wrong. Picture this: Boy emails girl on match.com, girl emails boy back. They chat for a week or so, exchange numbers so communication is easier, then they proceed to text almost daily for a couple of weeks. On a Tuesday, boy finally asks girl out for a date on Thursday. Girl says yes and asks where to meet him. Boy tells girl he will think of something awesome and let her know where to go. Girl gets excited. Thursday at 430pm as girl is getting ready to leave work in her totally cute/professional but still date appropriate outfit and she texts boy because she still has not heard where to go. By 8pm girl realizes she is not going to hear from boy and she grabs a glass of wine to make herself happy and she takes out her aggression on her vibrator. You don't need two people to have angry orgasms, sometimes you just need a bad day and a pocket vibrator. Saturday she hears from boy, "Hey! Got caught up at work this week, can we try something next week?" Ummmmmmmmm, what? You think its ok to not tell me you were cancelling on me, to make me wait around for you, and then to wait two days until you text me again and you don't even apologize!? Unless by "caught up at work" you mean you were in a 48 hr long surgery separating a pair of conjoined twins (is anyone else obsessed with watching Abby and Brittany on TLC?), or you were in a raid in Afghanistan, I'm pretty sure phones are available to communicate with someone! Oh, and did I mention that this "boy"sells phones for a living? Yes, that's right. He is a phone salesman...for a living!! I'm pretty sure that qualifies him as someone who knows how texting works. But, let's be honest, it's me and I'm forgiving (or stupid). So, I pulled back my anger/frustration and told him that I was free the following Wednesday. He said great and that he would make up for his mistake by making it great. Silly me, I trusted. I finally heard from boy about a week and a half later. I nicely blew him off and just stopped responding when he sent any messages.
Fast forward two years. I have a new phone (cause ya know, I get a new one all the time because I do things like drop them or wash them in the washing machine), and some of the numbers that I had on my old phone didn't transfer. Something silly like I saved them to the hard drive on the phone instead of Google. I don't know, it's technology, blah. Anywho, I received a text a few weeks ago from a number in my area code that said, "Hey good looking, how are you?" I had no idea who it was from, but I mean clearly they knew me because they realize my blantent sexiness! So I replied, "I'm great, how are you? Oh, and who is this?" When he replied with his name and an LOL, I immediatly thought of a friend I have with the same name. I got excited and said, "Oh hey neighbor! How are you, the wife, and the cutie pie baby?" I thought maybe this friend was having a party at their new house and they wanted to invite me over or something. I was wrong. The message back I received was "Hmmmm, I think you have the wrong person. This is "so and so" from match." I looked at my phone shocked and then laughed. There is no need to tell the play by play of the rest of the conversation (it went something like "I have been thinking about you, you're awesome, I was wondering what ever happened with us and why we never met" blah blah blah). I was polite, but I blew him off. I don't need to go down that road again.
Fast forward one week. My phone buzzes with a text message. "Hey, it's "blank" from Norwalk! I was going through my phone cleaning it out and thought I'd say hi!" You should know I used to refer to this guy as JP. If you're curious, it stands for Jesus Penis. My friends nicknamed him that because when we used to chat (over a year ago) he would act all religious and tell me he was off to his prayer group only to send me pictures of his dick later in the night. He was confusing. He would preach one minute then tell me he wanted to throw me against the wall with passion and jab me with his cock. Mind you, I never met this person. Not once. I know, I'm just as shocked as you are, but apparantly men will send penis pictures to anyone. Anthony Weiner is not alone. This was another "relationship" that quickly dwindled for obvious reasons. But here he was, resurfacing. I chose to kindly blow him off as well. Again, that is not a road I wanted to go down again. I didn't need more penis pictures. I have enough to start a photo album.
They say bad things come in 3's. While I will save the last part of my week for another story I can assure you it will be worth waiting for. I don't understand. Men, realationships, dating, I don't get any of it. Just when you think things are starting to make some sense, you have a month like I've had and your world is suddenly twirling like it was hit by a tornado. The scary part is, I'm pretty sure I'm learing to be like the Wicked Witch of the West, just riding my bike through the storm, unaffected. Have I completly lost touch if the winds affect me less and less? Or am I stronger and just able to pull through? I'm not sure which one I am, but I am sure I won't ever be deleting numbers from my phone.....you never know who will pop back up whether it be a random text or a penis pic.
